Minor Epiphanies 1.8
On letting a stranger inside (my head)
My self-talk used to be really cruel. Over the years, with tools like therapy and journaling, I’ve made massive strides in the way I talk to myself. However, when my journal sits empty and when I’m not checking in with myself, my gentle talk morphs into words that are cutting and callous. i.e. Recently, I called myself a “fucking idiot.”
We have a pest control service, and as a Canadian (where pest control isn’t really a thing because cockroaches and scorpions aren’t really a thing) and as someone who tries to think of the planet, I don’t really know how I feel about pest control. However, most Texans I’ve talked to have their places serviced and they recommend it. We held off for a while and then caved when I almost stepped on a scorpion in my closet.
Last week, our pest control fella said most folks have their interior serviced at this time of year, so I let him in to do his job. A few minutes after he left, it dawned on me: Why the hell didn’t I stop to think?
I spend so much time triple-checking products as well as food labels (Yes, this is a privileged and maybe paranoid stance, but my “health anxiety” — a new term I’ve learned — has taken the driver’s seat. That’s a discussion for another day!) So as he pulled out of the driveway, I started to freak out: I let this guy spray chemicals all over??? And sure, these chemicals are supposedly pet and kid friendly, but by whose standards? I doubt EU regulators would approve! Anddddddd now I’m all worked up, and we all know what stress does to the body!!!
After opening every window in the house, I did some “scream writing,” which is what I call my writing when I go “Trump Style” (for lack of a better term) and WRITE IN ALL CAPS. Then I sent my friend voice notes with my panicked thoughts, and as I spoke, I heard my old self take over and flinched with each mean word. I felt myself watching from afar and gently said, “This is not how we talk to ourself.”
It’s interesting to hear that cruel voice again. Yes, she sounds scary, but at her very core, she sounds scared. And I’m relieved to say that she sounds foreign.
Whenever she rears her head, it pains me to know I lived with that voice on repeat for decades. For years, that voice surrounded me like air, and I breathed her in like air because I thought that voice held truth. With distance, I know that voice is not truthful and instead serves as a symbol to step back and regroup. Yes, I can take this as a reminder to look into pest control details, but that isn’t really the point. The point is I need to nudge myself to return to the tools that nourish my gentle, graceful self-talk.
This Minor Epiphany recommends:
My recommendation comes with the “do as I say and not as I do” caveat because, as illustrated above, I went into a full anxiety spiral. However, when I’m in my journaling practice, I also integrate a practice from module three of the “What? Me Worry?” workbook that a friend shared. When I have consistent practice, I reap the benefits, and I can’t recommend it enough! They also have one on “Health Anxiety” that’s (evidently) screaming my name.
You have impeccable timing. I haven't yet learned to truly gentle my self-talk but the worst of it maybe isn't quite as frequent lately - but then I just had a spate of it the last couple days which I then berated myself for it instead of just gently directing myself away from it. I believe this post will help me avoid sinking deeper into that spiral.
You are an inspiration to me in this area (and others).
Thank you for being you!
“Yes, she sounds scary, but at her very core, she sounds scared. And I’m relieved to say that she sounds foreign.” This is beautiful; seeing the growth even when the old habits arise. Very wise.